As a therapist, one of the more common attachment styles I encounter in my practice is anxious attachment. The reason for this is that clients with this attachment style are often aware that their anxiety is putting their relationship at risk. This is usually what drives them into therapy. People with anxious attachments tend to experience intense emotional reactions in relationships, driven by a deep fear of abandonment and an overwhelming need for reassurance. These fears are often costly to the client’s emotional well-being. Exploring and understanding how they manifest becomes a key goal in therapy.
Emotional Hypervigilance
Emotional hypervigilance is one common way in which I see the fears manifest. The client becomes obsessed with the partner’s emotional state, looking for minute signs of unhappiness or displeasure. If any sign is found, this is often combined with extreme emotional distress. In therapy, this manifests through the client’s continuous need to explore their partner’s feelings rather than their own. As the therapeutic relationship progresses, it might also express itself in worry about the therapist’s feelings.
The constant need for reassurance
Hand in hand with hypervigilance comes the need for reassurance. This is usually in response to the suspicion that the partner could be unhappy. The need for reassurance can burden the relationship as the partner becomes more worn out by the demand. This in turn is more distressing. In therapy, it becomes vital for the client to learn that they can survive the unknown nature of their partner’s feelings even if it is distressing.
High need for information
Also tied in is usually an expression of distrust through a high need for the partner’s information. This includes who they are with, what they are doing, and sometimes why and for how long. Not knowing feels risky as it might give the other person the opportunity to leave. A fear of abandonment is at the core of anxiety. In therapy, the goal becomes allowing the partner freedom and independence by building up trust. It’s essential to recognize that the anxious behaviours are not about the current partner’s actions but rather reflect deep-seated fears. This awareness is the first step in breaking the cycle of anxiety and fear that often disrupts relationships.
Ultimately, healing from anxious attachment involves learning to trust oneself and others. With support, individuals can cultivate the self-confidence necessary to develop secure, balanced, and fulfilling relationships. If you are ready to take the first step towards healing, you can find my contact details here. I offer in-person therapy in Shoreditch, London as well as online therapy depending on my client’s need.