I have to admit that it took me a while to muster up the courage to watch Baby Reindeer. Having worked with both male and female victims of stalking and abuse in therapy, it is not always my favorite topic to engage with in my spare time.

Watching the first episode and Donny handling meeting Martha was a painful experience. And it made me reflect on the differences in the way men and women experience the world, and due to it the abuse. As a therapist, I have worked with a lot of victims of abuse. Gender is a key contributor to how my clients understand themselves and the abuse.

Donny initially clearly does not experience Martha as anyone other than a slightly troubled woman. Someone he pities. And so he wants to extend an act of kindness towards her. This is something that most of us will have done, after all it makes both the other person and us feel good, and, if it’s a small act, costs us very little. But like with most abusive relationships the warning signals are there early on. Lying, pushing of boundaries, and then the screaming and grabbing of his hand in the café even when he tells her to stop. These are all hallmark signs of the beginning of abuse, something that most women will recognise easily. However, here is where the difference between female and male victims of abuse often comes in.

In hindsight, most victims will argue in therapy that they should have known what was happening early on. Women often acknowledge that while they were minimising their partner’s actions, they knew they were being abused. Men on the other hand need a much longer time to allow themselves to acknowledge that they are being abused. This is due to the set of societal assumptions that they have grown up with which are fundamentally being challenged.

Men are safe

Men often  experience the world as much safer than women. This is usually due to the narrative that women get stalked, attacked and hurt, not men. As such, when Donny interacts with Martha initially, it does not occur to him that he might be at risk from her. This is despite a man attacking him earlier in his life. It allows him to offer the act of kindness of a cup of tea. But also means that he cannot see that he is increasingly at risk until it is much too late. In therapy, this is often reflected in the client talking about how they initially felt okay with what was happening. They were not fearful or worried until much later.

Men are strong

Men can often struggle to acknowledge that they have been abused by a woman due to the perceived physical power difference. They often find it difficult to reconcile their perceived strength with what they have gone through. This can often cause a massive internal clash with the belief that they have to be strong in order to be a normal man. This means that later in therapy, they will grapple with the question of why they allowed the abuse to happen. Why they did not fight back.

Women don’t abuse men

Men are more likely to be met with dismissal and ridicule when they reveal that they have been abused by a woman. The initial scene at the police station reflects every abuse victim’s fear; however, it goes deeper for men, who have to stand against the assumption that a woman cannot abuse a man. It makes it less acceptable for them to seek help or even acknowledge what is happening. It attacks a fundamental belief both in themselves and in the person they are approaching for help. This is why it often takes men much longer to reach out to a therapist and reveal what has happened to them. Even then they might not be able to use the word ‘abuse’ when speaking about their experience..

Overall, therapy can often be the first place where men are able to express their pain and struggle. Having three assumptions challenged by an abusive relationship can be a difficult to overcome. However, as they progresses through therapy, gradually, a new sense of self emerges— one that embraces personal vulnerability as a strength. This growth fosters a renewed confidence in their ability to navigate life’s challenges. With time, individuals often find themselves equipped with a better understanding of themselves and the world around them. This causes them to feel more secure and empowered than before.

If you find yourself in a position where you need to talk, please get in touch.

Look after yourself,

Ronja